Learning My ABC's

I hope you will bear with me while I ramble a bit.

Over the last several months Lily has made several comments about her appearance that have absolutely broken my heart.

It is hard for me to hear my positively beautiful daughter tell me she wishes her skin was a different color, her eyes were a different color/shape...well, you get the idea.

My knee jerk response is to quickly say to Lily, "Oh, don't be silly. You're beautiful just the way you are!"
But, I don't.



Of course, I do try to assure Lily that she is perfect just the way she is. But, I also try very hard to let Lily know that I am not dismissing her feelings. They are, after all, *her* feelings...even if I don't agree with them...and it hurts to hear them.

I try to remember that this isn't about me and what I think. It's about Lily and what she thinks...and feels. As hard as I try to listen with not only my ears, but also with my heart I know sometimes I fall terribly short.

The other day I was sharing with my friend, Erica, how I am struggling with this. Without skipping a beat Erica said, "Lily sounds exactly like every other ABC I've ever known...including me."

I guess the confused expression on my face clued Erica in that I had no idea what she was talking about.

Erica very quickly added, "Oh, come on TJ. ABC...American Born Chinese."

Erica went on to share that she wasn't comfortable in her own skin until she was in college. Until then, Erica desperately wanted blond hair and blue eyes. Basically, she wanted to look like all the popular girls in high school.

On one hand, what Erica wanted is not that much different than what I wanted in high school. But, on the other hand...it is diametrically different.

Am I making any sense???

I did mention that I would be rambling...remember??

Anyway, during our conversation Erica also shared with me that her daughter, who is the same age as Lily, regularly tells her that she wishes she was white.

Huh?

I've gotta tell you...I was SHOCKED!

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but until my conversation with Erica I had assumed the issues Lily is facing with her racial identity were as a result of us being a trans-racial family.

Seeing things through my "Adoptive Mama" lens, I missed entirely the much bigger picture of Lily being an ethnic minority not only in her own family...but in our corner of the world.

We do make a concerted effort to socialize with Asian families and other trans-racial adoptive families, shop in Asian supermarkets, eat at Asian restaurants, and celebrate Asian holidays.

However, the reality is that Lily is continually surrounded by a sea of white faces. Not only at home, but at school, at family gatherings, in our neighborhood, at the pool, and almost every other place we frequent.



So, what can we do about this?

Anything???

Nothing???

Something???

To be honest, I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to do all that is in my power to give Lily the opportunity to build a positive self identity. What that means and how exactly we go about doing it...will be a work in progress.

Thanks for letting me ramble. It's just this motherhood thing...it's so darn humbling.