From child-free to child-less in 3 "easy" steps....

I had never really wanted to be a mother. I've always loved kids but never saw myself as a mom....an aunt, a Godmother, sure. A mother....not so much.

I've spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephews and with my friend’s kids over the years and enjoyed every minute. My sisters and girlfriends always told me about “that feeling” they get when they hold a baby. Whatever “that feeling” was I didn’t seem to have it. I would hold a little baby and love every second of it but that didn’t make me want to rush off and become a mother. Then things started to change…

One day I was in the library and there was a Jewish man with a baby. He was dressed all in black from his hat to his shoes. He had a full beard and tendrils down the sides of his face. For lack of a better word he looked very serious...that is until he looked at his baby. I watched from a distance as he interacted with his little girl. He was smiling at her and kissing her and suddenly I had “that feeling”. At least I think that’s what it was. All I know is that I felt this hollow ache inside and I got all choked up. I had to go into the bathroom to get myself together.

On the way home from the library I kept thinking about my reaction. Why had that experience hit me like a ton of bricks? I didn’t know this man or his child yet I was deeply touched by their bond. I don’t think I can fully convey the impact of what happened inside of me. Now, looking back, I know that was the beginning.

Maybe a year after that experience my mother died. My. Mother. Died. Those three words say everything. Wow. How can that be? I wasn’t ready. I'm still not ready. In fact, I will never be ready. There was so much unfinished between the two of us. We had so much more left to...explain, resolve, discuss, experience, enjoy. But now that can't happen. It was like I was reading a book and it just stopped in the middle and yet I knew there had to be more chapters. Our mother-daughter relationship had its rocky patches but it was ours. I’ve seen mother-daughter relationships that evolve into adult friendships. Mom and I weren’t quite there yet, but we still needed each other. I still do.

Almost immediately after Mom died I had "the feeling" that I wanted to be a mother and the sooner the better. Now it doesn’t take a genius to figure out the cause and effect. I did my very best to suppress that feeling but it kept resurfacing. I attributed this to part of the grieving process and thought that with time it would go away. It didn’t. Four years later is still hasn’t.

The final straw happened on my niece Christina's first day of kindergarten. What an exciting day! Part of me was so happy for her and the other part of me was disappointed because I would really miss our weekly "Aunt T and Beanie Days". I called her that afternoon to see how her big day went. She filled me in with all the important details of the day right down to the size of the toilets! Then she said a simple sentence that broke my heart,“Aunt T, you weren’t there when I got off the bus.” Of course, her mom and dad were there and it was just a simple observation but somehow that one sentence cemented my need to be a mother. Christina is in second grade now. It's hard for me to believe so much time has passed. Hopefully this summer when we have Aunt T and Beanie Days they will really be Aunt T, Beanie, and Lily days!

So, for those of you who are thinking what happened to TJ?? I never thought she’d be a mother! It wasn’t a blow to the head that changed me...it was a few blows to the heart.

Travel Meeting

This morning we had our Travel Meeting! I was very excited about the meeting and had trouble sleeping last night. No surprise there....I've been having trouble sleeping every night. I know this is the time I should be enjoying quiet peaceful sleep but my brain simply refuses to cooperate!

It was very exciting to get together with the other members of our travel group and to get the low down on what we will do when it is our turn. It looks like we may receive our referral in early March and travel in late April or early May.

During the meeting we reviewed sample itineraries, discussed attachment issues, reviewed packing lists, and discussed remaining expenses. Needless to say Tony and I need to curb our dining out habits and start socking away some major money. Of course, we knew about the remaining expenses but when you see it in black and white it kind of hits you between the eyes (or in the checkbook)!

There are 3 other families in our travel group. All of the couples already have children and two of the families have previously adopted from China. Since Tony and I are first time parents I find a lot of comfort in travelling with the BTDT crowd.

One thing our coordinator brought up that we really had not considered is having someone on standby should Tony or I not be able to travel at the last minute. Honestly, the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach! Unfortunately, though, it's a very valid point. Suppose one of us had an emergency appendectomy or some other health related issue right before we are scheduled to leave and can't travel? What would we do then? Neither one of us wants to travel alone and we definitely don't want to be scrambling around at the last minute trying to decide who might be able to go with us. Now the big question is who should we ask? That's a huge "favor" to ask of someone. Naturally we would pay for travel costs, etc....but still...to ask someone to leave their family and hop on a plane at the last minute. Yikes! I'm hoping it's kind of like buying insurance. You buy it, hope you never need it, and have peace of mind just knowing it's there!

Seahawk Sweetie

I have no idea who this little pumpkin is....but oh my gosh...how sweet are these pictures??

Last year I bought the same cheerleading outfit for Tony for Father's Day (unfortunately, it didn't fit him). Seriously though, Tony loved it and all this season he kept saying next season he's going to dress Lily in her cheerleader outfit every Sunday.

Well, last night Tony was checking out the Seahawks Website (I'm sure looking for some t-shirt or sweatshirt he can't live without) and he calls me into the office to show me these pictures. Don't you just love them?!? Unfortunately, the sleeper only goes up to size 9 months and I think that will probably be too small for Lily. We'll have to wait and see. Once we get her referral and have a better idea of her size maybe she will have a Seahawks sleeper, too!

How do you spell frustrating?

U-S-C-I-S

Or, for that matter, how do you spell rude, incompetent, red-tape-hoop-jumping jackasses? Oh, wait a minute. I thought I had calmed down....maybe not.

You guessed it. My fingerprints rejected again. Not surprising since I don't have any!!! So, I received a letter from my friends at USCIS that I needed to appear again and sign a "Rejected Fingerprints Sworn Statement". No problem. Wednesday morning Tony and I headed downtown so I could sign the form and get the ball rolling for our I-600 renewal. By the way, Tony really doesn't need to come. I think he views these trips to USCIS kind of like if I was pregnant and he went with me to the doctor.

So, after a two hour wait in a room with way too many people in it they finally call my name. Yippee! I thought I'd go in the back sign a form and be on my way. Silly, silly, me.

Here's the Reader's Digest condensed version of what happened:

I go into an office with an Immigration Officer that appears to be friendly (but is really a witch in disguise), raise my hand, swear to tell the truth and then sit down. The first thing the officer asks me for is my Passport. Um....yikes! I explained that I didn't have my Passport with me but I do have my driver's license. The letter I received from USCIS requested I bring several things with me but didn't mention bringing my Passport. My answer was met with a huge sigh. Strike one for me.

Officer Nasty then asks me if I brought my original "Gold Seal" letter from the state. Yeah, score one for me! I had the letter. She told me she needed to keep the original. Ut...oh. The letter stated I needed to bring proof that I had received a Gold Seal from the state but it didn't state that they were going to keep the original. I didn't like the sounds of that and asked if she would mind when she made a copy of my driver's license if she could make a copy of the Gold Seal letter for me, too. To which she replied, "We're not Kinko's". At first I thought she was teasing...but nope...dead serious. Officer We're not Kinko's told me she was not allowed to make copies. I asked if it would be okay if I called my agency because I didn't know if I could give up this original. At first, the answer was, "Fine" and then as soon as I got the Coordinator on the phone she told me I would have to hang up and if I wanted my I-600 to go through I would do as she instructed.

Much to my credit, I believe, I didn't reach across the desk and strangle her. I hung up with my agency and looked at the document Officer Suzy Sunshine had placed in front of me. The document was titled "Record of Sworn Statement - Good Moral Character". Obviously she wasn't able to read my mind or she would've known at that moment my moral character was a bit shaky! I asked if I also needed to complete a "Rejected Fingerprint Sworn Statement" since that was the name of the document stated in the letter I received from their office. To which she answered, "If you're going to have so many questions you will need to hire an immigration attorney and reschedule your appointment for a later time." What?!?! Well, that was it. I truly needed to use every ounce of self control not to blow my top. Instead, I politely asked to see her supervisor. Officer Friendly said, "No problem. As soon as you finish the paperwork I will get a supervisor." I calmly (or not so calmly) explained that I was finished dealing with her and her utter rudeness and I didn't intend to do another thing until I saw a supervisor. I was so angry my voice was shaky and I was trying desperately not to cry. I mean...really....why was this necessary? Why can't people just be nice? I find it interesting that with some people if they are given a little bit of perceived power they turn into complete asses!

Officer Power Trip got on her broom, left the office, and in a few minutes came back with a supervisor. The supervisor was very cordial, shook my hand, asked what was wrong, and how he could help. I briefly explained what had happened and that I was unwilling to continue to work with this officer. The supervisor took over and offered to make me a copy of my Gold Seal letter and explained that the "Record of Sworn Statement - Good Moral Character" was now used in place of the "Rejected Fingerprint Sworn Statement". Wow....two minutes to answer a few questions, offer a little customer service, and no immigration attorney required!

The supervisor also helped me with how/where to answer questions on the Good Moral Character form. The form has about 20 questions on it and most of them ask the same thing worded in different ways. For example:

• Have you ever been cited for breaking or violating any law or ordinance?
• Have you ever been charged for breaking or violating any law or ordinance?
• Have you ever been fined for breaking any law or ordinance?

You get the picture. I simply wanted to know where I should answer that I have had a speeding ticket in the past. He told me where to include that and said that really isn't the kind of thing they are interested in. By the way, the supervisor also made me a copy of the signed "Record of Sworn Statement - Good Moral Character". Maybe they are Kinko's after all.

When I left the office I was still fuming. Tony was waiting for me in the overcrowded waiting room and knew something was wrong the second I came into the room. On our way home I relived what had happened. While I was driving Tony looked at the Good Moral Character form and noticed I didn't answer the "Date and place of birth question" completely. I only included my place of birth not the date. I have a sick feeling this form will be rejected, too, and I will have to go back to that awful place again.

Okay, so that wasn't much of a Reader's Digest condensed version. Sorry about that and don't get me wrong....in the grand scheme of things I know this is not a big deal. I know that there are people that face real injustices and hardships every day and would laugh at my little bit of inconvenience. Trust me. I get it. It just feels good to get it off my chest!

Travel Meeting Planned

Woooo Hoooo! We got an e-mail from our agency today that they want to schedule our Travel Meeting. During the travel meeting we will go over what to expect during the trip, how to facilitate bonding, what will happen each day, making travel arrangements, paperwork to bring/do ahead, shots, packing tips, etc. When you've been waiting as long as we have this is some seriously exciting news! Not only do they want to schedule our travel meeting but here is the really exciting news from the e-mail we received:

I am expecting your referrals before Chinese New Year (Feb. 18)! Estimated travel would be eight weeks later or the end of March, early April.

Can this be true??? Are we really only a few weeks away from seeing our sweet baby's face. Oh please, please, please let this be true.

Brought to you by the number....

Yup, that's right. Today is our 15 month LID-a-versary. I must say I'm feeling a lot better today than I was a month ago! I've never been one that likes to shop but I've spent today enjoying a little retail therapy.

So far today I've bought curtains for the nursery, an Ergo Baby Carrier, and a DVD set about adoption and attachment called "Because They Waited". If I can stop being indecisive I might actually order nursery furniture. I think I better get busy deciding or Lily might end up sleeping in an empty dresser drawer!

I'm starting to feel like there is an end in sight. I don't believe we will be in the next referral group at the end of January...but maybe the one after that. At our agency we are the NEXT travel group. I know that doesn't mean we will get our referral next but it is still exciting! I can remember going to our Waiting Parents Meetings and looking at the folks who would be getting their referrals soon. I looked at them the same way I looked at the Seniors my first day of high school...wow, one day that's going to be me...and now it is!

Is Internet Addiction Harmful To A Paper Pregnancy?

Ok, ok, I've got to be honest I'm addicted to the Rumor Queen site (http://www.chinaadopttalk.com/). There. I've admitted it. Isn't that the first step in healing?

To those of you that don't know about the Rumor Queen here's the scoop. RQ is an adoptive mother that runs a site related to adoption from China. RQ is currently waiting for her second daughter from China. As the name indicates RQ gathers rumors but also much more than that. RQ compiles rumors, stats, facts, information related to adoption, travel to China, etc. The site also contains a forum to discuss a variety of adoption related topics. Part of the forum is dedicated to LID (log in date) groups. I've really enjoyed having a place to chat with other folks who also have an October 2005 LID.

Here's the problem. Our agency, my sisters, and Tony tell me to stay off the Internet. Don't go to adoption boards, rumor sites, etc. But, come on....how can I not? It's not like I get any real information from our agency. Don't get me wrong our agency is fine...just not a wealth of information.

Imagine if you were pregnant and each time you went to the OB they kept moving your due date further out. At the start of your pregnancy you assumed you would be pregnant for 9 months. However, after the first trimester the doctor tells you there has been a change and now you need to be pregnant for 10 months. Not exactly what you want to hear but you can live with it.

During the second trimester you visit the doctor and the doctor says, "Oops. We've had another change of plans. Now you will need to be pregnant for a year. Now don't get upset. Stay busy and keep your chin up. Use this time wisely."

The big one year mark is fast approaching and you visit the doctor. You are a little hesitant about another change in plans but you think surely 12 months is long enough. However, when the doctor enters the room you are greeted with, "No. Not yet. Let's give it a few more months. You just need to be patient. Stop worrying. Don't focus on the wait. Continue to live your life. Perhaps you could start a project. Clean out closets. Take a trip. Take dance lessons. Whatever you do don't let the wait consume your life."

I'm assuming by that point you would feel like I feel now. Frustrated. I want information. I want to feel connected with other people who are experiencing the same thing I am. I want to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to share in other adoptive families happiness as they go to China to bring home their children. Doing this makes this process seem more "real".

I just can't sit, wait, and do nothing. I need to feel like I'm involved in some way. The Internet provides me with that opportunity. I know there is a down side. I know the emotional roller coaster is not good for me. However, I truly believe the Internet is more of a positive than a negative in my life. Besides, I'm not worried. I know the minute I have Lily in my arms my Internet addiction will be cured!

We're getting closer!

As of yesterday, January 3, 2007, the CCAA has referred LIDs through September 27, 2005. Now, I'm not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth but I was realllllly hoping they would make in through September 29. So they only missed by 2 days....what's the big deal....you ask? Well, September 29 is a monster LID day. It might seem strange, but in the world of Chinese International adoption 2 days can make a huge difference and the ripple effect can be felt for months.

I think the fact that they didn't make it through the 29th means we will get our referral in March/April instead of January/February. There are also several other factors at work here. The Chinese New Year falls on February 18, 2007. The CCAA (and almost everything else in China) will be closed for 2 weeks for this holiday. Naturally, this will cause additional delays. The last two weeks in April there is a large trade show that occurs in China. This impacts air travel, hotel availability, etc. My hope was to receive our referral before the Chinese New Year and to travel before the April Trade Shows. It doesn't look promising.

All that being said....every day we get a little closer to bringing Lily home!

And now it's 2007

Of course that means it's Tony's birthday. Happy Birthday, sweetie!

2006 was a really strange year. I literally wished the entire year away. Not a smart way to spend your time I'll admit. I just found it very difficult as different milestones passed and we still didn't have Lily home. We already thought we had spent our last Mother's Day, Father's Day, family vacation, Thanksgiving, and Christmas without Lily. Tony and I were teasing that this Christmas was our second last Christmas without Lily.

I think I can safely say that this is the year Tony and I will become parents. In fact, I think it could happen in the next several months! I am going to try and be better about living in the present and not wishing every second away until Lily comes home. With that being said I better get off the computer and spend some quality time with the birthday boy.