After Eileen's comment on the post below it got me thinking...even more.
I agree with Eileen 100%. If you ask almost anybody on the planet (including me) there is at least one thing about their appearance they would change. Perhaps, they wish their nose was smaller, their breasts were bigger, or _______________ fill in the blank.
I just think what Lily is experiencing is not that "simple". Don't get me wrong, I know that the day will come when Lily will spend hours looking in the mirror wishing she could change some physical attribute that is perfect just the way it is.
Right now Lily is struggling with her racial/cultural identity in her very white world.
Lily has said to me on more than one ocassion, "I like it better when I'm not the only one that looks like me."
Oh, how that hurts this Mama's heart.
Lily is not talking about her height, or weight, or length of hair. Lily is talking about her "Asian-ness" amidst all the "White-ness".
I think what Lily wants more than anything is to just blend in...to be inconspicuous.
You know what works to Lily's disadvantage at being inconspicuous? Her precious personality!
Seriously.
We rarely go anywhere where Lily doesn't charm the people around us. Inevitably that leads to a conversation something like this:
"She's so cute. Where was she born?" or
"Oh, what a sweetie. Where's she from?" or
"Wow, she's so smart. Is she adopted?"
You get the idea.
I think some of Lily's questions and comments about the color of her skin, the shape of her eyes, the color of her hair, etc. are related to questions she is asked by her friends.
I don't think any of Lily's friends are being intentionally hurtful. They're just curious...and you know...with 4 and 5 year olds...inquiring minds need to know!
Couple all of these things together with Lily's naturally inquisitive personality and it makes for some interesting questions and discussions.
I have shared with Lily that I had never experienced being a minority until I was 41 years old and travelled to China to be united with her. For 3 weeks, with the exception of my husband and our travel group, I was surrounded by people who did not look like me.
Honestly, I did not feel entirely comfortable about my "white-ness" amidst all the "Asian-ness". Even though I was "prepared" it was still quite a culture shock.
The difference between my experience and Lily's? I was in my 40's and I was only in that environment for 3 weeks.
Lily will have to learn to navigate her world as a minority, most likely, for the rest of her life. As her mother, I want to do everything I can to make sure she is properly equipped.
Now, I just have to figure out what that means!
2 comments:
Well, we Irish are a pretty pale lot, aren't we? ;-) I completely understand about Lily's solitude in a white world. Wouldn't it be nice if none of us ever noticed such differences? But who am I to talk? I felt very conspicuous and shy during the two weeks I spent with Bill in the British Virgin Islands when he was finishing up a 3 month college project there. We lived with the real residents there rather than in some hotel and I never felt more pale in my life! Still, we ended up with a wonderful extended family in the BVI so any discomfort I felt was well worth it. I think not knowing how to handle the issue is natural to all of us. But, hey!, that's not unusual for Moms now is it? Kids are always throwing us a curve ball on one issue or another. From what you've posted, it's clear that you are being thoughtful, empathetic and serious about Lily's concerns. That's about the best most of us Moms can do on many subjects that will come up in our children's lives. Whenever I was at a loss, I turned to more experienced Moms (yes, Kathleen, I mean mostly to you) and sought their advice. Sometimes I even took it! It's hard when we realize we can't protect our kids from every potential hurt in this world and sometimes it's heartbreaking. But I believe that, secure in your love, Lily will find her way and her own answers eventually and be just fine. You know, another adopted child in my Jeremy's class once told him he was adopted because his birth mother didn't want him and left him in a trash can. (That kid sure had issues, didn't she?) So, I understand about children's comments and how they can hurt. If Lily's classmates are just being curious right now then Lily is doing alright! While I have every confidence in your ability to help Lily negotiate this and all her troubling issues to come, please know that I keep you both and Tony in my prayers. Cousin Eileen
Eileen,
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and to comment. It means so much to me!
Oh, and thanks for the prayers!! Please keep them coming!
TJ
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