I wanted to share how well Lily is doing at her new preschool. She absolutely LOVES it!
There were a few tears the first day, but since then it's been all smiles and eagerness to go. In fact, on Thursday as Lily was walking into school she turned to me and said, "Mommy, don't cry while I'm at school. You can miss me but still have fun." It's so nice to see that after only 3 classes Lily is far more comfortable than she was after 3 weeks at the Co-op!
I wish I could say the same about me. No, it's not the new school I'm not comfortable with...it's the time apart from Lily. I know we both need it. I know it's healthy. What I also know is it's HARD. Really, really HARD.
I'm used to pretty much spending all of Lily's waking moments together. Not only am I used to it...I thoroughly enjoy it. Truly. Lily is such a happy, silly, funny, little girl and an absolute joy to be around. She literally keeps me smiling all day long!
Lily has yet to hit the "terrible" two's or three's. I know that doesn't mean it won't happen, but it hasn't happened...yet. I can imagine if I was battling with tantrums and toddler tirades the 5 hours apart each week would be a much needed reprieve...but...what I'm finding is that I'm a little lost without Lily.
How can that be??? I was childless for 40 years and did quite well on my own. I never had a shortage of things to do, places to go, people to see. Now, I find myself wondering what to do with the 2 1/2 hours I have to myself twice a week. Seriously. What has happened to me??
I know one thing that has changed is that I now feel very conflicted about how to spend my "free" time. There are the things I want to do: have lunch with my sisters/friends, read a good book, walk through a museum, to name just a few. Then, there are the things I need to do like E.X.E.R.C.I.S.E. And let's not forget the things I should do: clean the house, wash windows, run errands, and, and, and... Basically, a lot more than I can possibly get done in 5 hours a week!
When I'm not wondering about what to do to keep myself occupied I am realizing that it's hard for me to let go. Yes, I know it's only 5 hours a week. But, I've been used to spending ALL my time with Lily. Up until now if I wasn't with Lily then Tony was or someone else in the family. I basically knew what was happening 24/7. Now, there are other people influencing Lily's life. Don't get me wrong I trust that they are good influences. I also believe it's a good thing for Lily and I to have some time apart. It's just going to take me a while to adjust to not knowing every little detail of Lily's life.
By the way, yes, I know I have MAJOR control issues. But, I'm willing to bet I'm not the first mother who has had a little twinge of sadness when they realized the song their child was singing wasn't something they had taught them. Right?
Hello? Is there anybody there? I'm not the first one. Right?!?
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2 comments:
You are definitely NOT the only one, T.J. In this sentimental family, I would venture to guess that most of the moms have had the same feelings as you. Sadly, this is the beginning of your daughter's independence from you and, while it is what we all work toward for our children, it does rip little bits of your heart out over the years as they grow less and less dependent on you. I don't know if adoptive mothers experience this any differently than do moms whose babies came from their bellies. But we adoptive parents work so hard to find a child for whom we can provide a good life and I wonder if the searching, waiting and jumping through hoops to adopt a child might make that child's steps toward independence even more bittersweet for us. Comfort yourself with the realization that you have many more years to share with Lily before she becomes fully independent. And get out and have fun while she is in school. Housework and other responsibilities always find a way of getting done but recreation and fun are precious commodities to moms, so spend your time apart taking care of T.J. for a change.
Cousin Eileen
Eileen, you're right. It is bittersweet. I'm learning so much of parenting is!
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