The Transition For Me...Not Lily

I wrote this post several months ago (the beginning of June) and saved it as a draft. Today I was about to delete it and I thought...don't do that. This is really how I was feeling at the time (and sometimes still do). Maybe another new mother (or not so new) will read this and know they're not the only one.

I'm sure those of you who heard me complain again and again during the wait to bring Lily home will want to strangle me after reading this...but...here goes...

We have been incredibly blessed with a happy, healthy, funny, amazing daughter that I could not possibly love any more than I do. Lily is absolutely the joy of my life. So, why am I about to whine? Good question. I guess I just wanted to share that the adjustment to motherhood for me has had its rocky patches. So, what's been rocky?

Before we brought Lily home I thought that after I put Lily to bed at night I would have the evenings free to do "TJ Stuff". While it is true I do have the evenings free most days by the end of the day (and I'm talking 8:00 pm not 11:00 pm) I'm EXHAUSTED! I'm not talking a little sleepy...I'm talking wiped out! After Lily is in bed I'm lucky if I can read a page or two before I start nodding off. Yes, I do realize that I'm 41 and not 21 (or 31 for that matter)...but I'm still shocked at how tired I am.

During the day my #1 priority is spending quality time with Lily. What that translates to is the fact that my house is a mess, the flower beds are a shambles, you could write your name in the dust on every flat surface of my house...you get the idea. Spending time with Lily is absolutely what I want to be doing...but having a messy house is really tough for me.

I have often been accused of being anal. I prefer the term organized but let's not split hairs. The fact is I breathe easier when my world is at right angles. I'm exaggerating a bit but it has been hard for me to let things go. I know when Lily is older I am not going to regret the time I spent with her instead of straightening up...but the folks that tell you that the dust can wait don't mention how awful you'll feel when you pick your daughter up off the hardwood floors and she has dust bunnies attached to her knees!

I feel conflicted about how to spend the time each day when Lily naps. For example, right now I'm on the computer posting this when I could be cleaning, weeding, or preparing a decent dinner for tonight. But, I also need some down time. I guess that's why I'm sitting here on the computer and not doing those other things.

Some days I feel both over-stimulated and under-stimulated if that makes sense. The other night Tony came home from work and was in a "mono-syllabic" mood. Do you know what I mean? The conversation went something like:

How was work?
Fine.

What did you do?
Stuff.

Anyway, the next thing I knew I was crying. Crying? Why? Basically, I think it was because I had had a day of one sided conversations along the lines of "did you make a poopy in your diaper?". So, when Tony got home I was hungry for some adult conversation. Tony wasn't trying to be mean or cold he had just had a long day and was beat. My point is my response surprised me (and Tony).

I didn't realize how small my world would become. When I was working I was out and about all the time. I did spend most of my time on college campuses but I also did some community interpreting, too. This gave me the opportunity to interact with many people and visit different places every day. Our adoption agency and books I've read recommend that for the first few months we stick close to home. I understand the reasoning behind this but I didn't realize how stir crazy I would get.

I didn't think about the sameness of each day. Is sameness a word? I think it is extremely important for Lily to have a routine. I think routine and predictability will help to make Lily feel secure. However, without working outside the house now I have no idea what day of the week it is! Each day feels the same. Honestly, I'm like, "Oh, Tony's home. It must be the weekend."

I really don't want to change a thing. I've never been as happy as I am right now. It's just some of these feelings/issues have taken me by surprise. Since I've shared all the other parts of this journey I thought I would share this, too.

Since I wrote the entry above I've talked to my sisters, friends, neighbors, and my online group and found that lots of moms (and dads) had/have similar feelings. It really helped me to know that and to realize it doesn't make me a bad mother. I think that's why I decided to go ahead and post this instead of delete it...maybe someone else needs to know that, too.

I wouldn't have it any other way!