Excuse Me

Tony and I knew that when we decided to build our family through International Adoption that we might receive the occasional second look or question. We both felt strongly that our daughter was in China and the thought of an occasional glance or question certainly didn't change that.

Since we've been home many people (strangers) have said really lovely things to us about our family. Unfortunately, this is not a post about those comments. This post is about the other comments we've received. Please bear with me while I spew some venom.

I have been absolutely shocked and at times appalled by some of the the comments/questions we have received since we have been home. Comments from absolute strangers...comments from people at the grocery store...on the street...at restaurants, etc.

It all really started before Lily even came home. One night Tony and I were out with my dad when we ran into a couple my mom and dad had been friends with years ago. We had just received Lily's referral and Dad was bursting to share the news. My dad told these folks that he was about to be a grandfather again. My dad then looked at me to fill in the details. I explained that Tony and I were adopting our daughter from China and that we had been waiting a long time and were so thrilled to finally see her beautiful face. To say the response we received was not what we were expecting would be an understatement. I can't (wont) type here what was said. Just trust me that bigotry and hatred are alive and well and living in your neighborhood. Luckily, on that night, I was able to answer the ugliness despite the knot in my stomach and throat.

The vast majority of comments and questions I have received when Lily and I are alone together. I find this very interesting. How do people know that my husband is not Asian? I think they must look at me and my age and then create their own story. I have talked to other adoptive parents who assure me they have never once been asked a question. I think I just have one of those faces that says..."Come talk to me!" It's been that way my whole life. Seriously, I will run to the grocery store to buy a gallon of milk and by the time I'm finished in the Express Lane I'll know that the woman in front of me has 3 kids and an unfaithful husband. So I think some people must look at me and think it's okay to ask whatever is on their mind.

One day Lily and I were shopping at Costco and the cashier said:

"Is she yours?"
"Yes!" , I replied.
"No, I mean really?"
"So do I.", I assured her as I walked away shaking my head.

Another time Lily and I were in Panera Bread when a woman approached us and said, "Isn't it sad she will never know her real mother?" What???? I am her real mother! Yes, it breaks my heart that Lily will never know her biological mother...but honestly I don't think this stranger really cares.

I could go on and on with the numerous comments/questions I have received from absolute strangers. Each time I do my best to guage if the person asking the question is truly interested in Chinese adoption or are they just truly nosey. In other words does the question stem from true ignorance...or is the person being truly ignorant.

Tony and I have also been asked questions when the three of us are together. The first question came not long after we were home. Tony, Lily, and I always meet my dad for breakfast on Sunday morning. One morning a couple approached our table and said, "We've been thinking about getting one of *those*. Was she expensive?" I wish I were kidding but that is really what they said. How can you possibly respond to something like that other than to say, "Please don't."

Just recently the three of us were out to dinner and the waitress said, "What is *it*?" You would have to had heard her tone to know that she was not asking if Lily was a girl or a boy. In a not so friendly tone I answered, "Excuse Me???" She then asked, "Where's she from?" Tony answered that Lily was born in China and I went to the restroom to stop myself from slapping her.

When we were recently in North Carolina a man approached us while we were waiting in line at an ice cream shop...here's how that conversation went:

"I just have to ask...how much did she cost?"
"Oh, she's priceless!"
"No, I mean seriously...$10,000, $15,000"
"Of course there are fees associated with the adoption process...but our daughter is priceless"
"Oh, you mean more than that...$20,000...$25,000...are you serious?"
"If you are interested in international adoption we can give you the name of our agency."
"No, that's all right. But, wait, if you're not satisfied with her can you return her?"

Hello?? Are you kidding me?? Who are you by the way?? Do we know you??? Have we ever met?? What makes you think it's okay to ask us these kinds of questions?? In front of our daughter no less!!! By the way, it's amazing that your recent lobotomy did not leave any scars!!!

I also have to mention the tried but true favorite, "She's so lucky." Tony and I always answer that we're the lucky ones...and we sincerely mean that. For us Lily is absolutely a dream come true. However, we never lose sight of the fact that in order for our dream to come true Lily had to lose her first family, birth country, and culture. Is that lucky? Some day we hope that Lily will feel like she is right where she was meant to be but that is something she will have to decide for herself.

My naive side hopes that when Lily is old enough to understand what people are asking...they wont ask! However, I don't think that will be the case. For now I will look at these opportunities as my training ground. A chance to prepare how I will answer or not answer questions so that Lily will know that her history and our history as a family is just that...hers...ours...to share or not share as we see fit.