From child-free to child-less in 3 "easy" steps....

I had never really wanted to be a mother. I've always loved kids but never saw myself as a mom....an aunt, a Godmother, sure. A mother....not so much.

I've spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephews and with my friend’s kids over the years and enjoyed every minute. My sisters and girlfriends always told me about “that feeling” they get when they hold a baby. Whatever “that feeling” was I didn’t seem to have it. I would hold a little baby and love every second of it but that didn’t make me want to rush off and become a mother. Then things started to change…

One day I was in the library and there was a Jewish man with a baby. He was dressed all in black from his hat to his shoes. He had a full beard and tendrils down the sides of his face. For lack of a better word he looked very serious...that is until he looked at his baby. I watched from a distance as he interacted with his little girl. He was smiling at her and kissing her and suddenly I had “that feeling”. At least I think that’s what it was. All I know is that I felt this hollow ache inside and I got all choked up. I had to go into the bathroom to get myself together.

On the way home from the library I kept thinking about my reaction. Why had that experience hit me like a ton of bricks? I didn’t know this man or his child yet I was deeply touched by their bond. I don’t think I can fully convey the impact of what happened inside of me. Now, looking back, I know that was the beginning.

Maybe a year after that experience my mother died. My. Mother. Died. Those three words say everything. Wow. How can that be? I wasn’t ready. I'm still not ready. In fact, I will never be ready. There was so much unfinished between the two of us. We had so much more left to...explain, resolve, discuss, experience, enjoy. But now that can't happen. It was like I was reading a book and it just stopped in the middle and yet I knew there had to be more chapters. Our mother-daughter relationship had its rocky patches but it was ours. I’ve seen mother-daughter relationships that evolve into adult friendships. Mom and I weren’t quite there yet, but we still needed each other. I still do.

Almost immediately after Mom died I had "the feeling" that I wanted to be a mother and the sooner the better. Now it doesn’t take a genius to figure out the cause and effect. I did my very best to suppress that feeling but it kept resurfacing. I attributed this to part of the grieving process and thought that with time it would go away. It didn’t. Four years later is still hasn’t.

The final straw happened on my niece Christina's first day of kindergarten. What an exciting day! Part of me was so happy for her and the other part of me was disappointed because I would really miss our weekly "Aunt T and Beanie Days". I called her that afternoon to see how her big day went. She filled me in with all the important details of the day right down to the size of the toilets! Then she said a simple sentence that broke my heart,“Aunt T, you weren’t there when I got off the bus.” Of course, her mom and dad were there and it was just a simple observation but somehow that one sentence cemented my need to be a mother. Christina is in second grade now. It's hard for me to believe so much time has passed. Hopefully this summer when we have Aunt T and Beanie Days they will really be Aunt T, Beanie, and Lily days!

So, for those of you who are thinking what happened to TJ?? I never thought she’d be a mother! It wasn’t a blow to the head that changed me...it was a few blows to the heart.